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A constant cacophony of beeping horns, high-speed Hindi and the cawing of thousands of crows. A melange of smells - of incense, spices and, ahem, more human smells.

And while Mother India, with her 1.2 billion inhabitants, can inspire, astonish and enlighten many who tread her soil, her innumerable challenges and chaotic madness can also overwhelm and exhaust unprepared first-timers. Or even put them off completely.

After living in Mumbai and travelling throughout India for seven months last year here are my essential survival tips to ensure you don't waste a second on your first visit to this magical country.

THE BASICS

So how long for your first trip? A lifetime, if you've got one to spare. If not, a month would be ideal to make the most of each place you visit. At a stretch, you could get a taste of India's magic in two weeks.

Allocate two nights at least for each place you visit and, as always, the longer you stay in a city the more you'll be able to cosy up to locals who can give you their hot insider tips.

I recommend a rough itinerary encompassing accommodation and transport, leaving room for unavoidable Indian mishaps and adventurous detours.

All of India simply cannot be experienced in two weeks, two months, or possibly even two years. For first-timers stick to the north - the land of turbans, moustaches, palaces and mountains - where you're guaranteed to craft your very own Darjeeling Limited experience.

If you're anxious about the sensory overload you will no doubt experience, or if you would just rather sit back and enjoy the ride, then get a guide. As for the language, Hindi isn't spoken by everyone in India - in fact there are more than 20 languages spoken throughout the country and English tends to serve as a common lingo.

However, a few Hindi phrases will definitely help break the ice: "Namaskar" (hello), "shukriya" (thank you), "aap kaise hai" (how are you), "kitna hai" (how much) and "naam kya hai" (what's your name), is enough for your first trip.

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